Enneagram Type 3 in A Relationship With Type 4
What Each Type Brings to the Relationship?
This Enneagram combination can result in a balanced and equal couple, with each of them bringing the qualities that the other may lack. On one hand, Fours can offer Threes more sensitivity and teach them how to treat, deal and talk about themselves on a deeper level. Fours can play a helpful role in Three’s lives since they can help them find their true heart’s desire, an important area of self-awareness. Fours can also bring a sense of refinement and sophistication, and increase deep communication.
On the other hand, Threes help Fours shape many of the qualities they would like to develop. They are well-suited to help Fours acquire new skills, as they have the tact and diplomacy to handle Fours’ strong emotions, reactions and their insecurity. They can also bring hope, ambition, practicality and a touch of behavior management techniques that help Fours during their bursts of anger or low-energy times. As Fours can sometimes be too-sensitive, it is important for their partners to know how to deal with thar. They need to know what, how and when to say things.
Fours consider understanding to be crucial to build trust and avoid unintentional episodes between them. Consciously or not, both types are driven by their strong feelings and emotions and this can be an intense and fiery relationship. The connection between them goes beyond reason, entering a completely new realm as if they had known each other from a previous life. As if they were truly soul mates.
Potential Conflicts and Disagreements
Both types have self-esteem issues and, as a consequence, they need constant attention and validation from others. They both suffer from identity problems and have hidden feelings of shame and worthlessness. These types tend to secretly compare themselves to others and to be too competitive. How healthy or unhealthy they are will depend on how narcissistically wounded each of them is. This wound will also determine their need for approval, attention, and recognition.
On one hand, Fours can feel overshadowed by energetic Threes and this can make them feel defective and deficient, looking for more emotional involvement and intimacy while Threes will tend to pay less attention to the relationship itself, being comfortable with what they have. Another problem that may arise is that none of them really sees the other as they are: both see the other through projections of what they need and expect a partner to be. On one hand, Fours may see Threes as their personal rescuer and as the personification of everything they lack, whereas Threes may see Fours as an exotic and mysterious sexual or artistic trophy. If their needs and desires are not fulfilled, both types can get into hostile rages and bursts of anger.
Perhaps, the worst side of this mix is that they can become salty and sarcastic. They will gossip and complain about their partner’s flaws to their friends. If they feel hurt, they can both try to indirectly sabotage the other out of revenge. If the respect and admiration they once had for each other ends; disdain, indifference, and undermining will begin and the relationship will surely come to an end.