Overcoming the Power Struggle in a Relationship: Tips & Strategies

Ever feel like your relationship has turned into an endless tug-of-war?

It often starts small. A seemingly minor disagreement about what to have for dinner, a tense conversation about money, or that creeping feeling that you always have to justify your point of view. Next thing you know, you’re both dug in, pulling with all your might, and frankly, it’s exhausting.

This isn’t some rare phenomenon. A power struggle in a relationship is one of the most common—and corrosive—dynamics couples face. It’s a silent battle where both partners are fighting for control, influence, and the simple need to feel like they matter.

The Unspoken Tug-of-War in Your Relationship

Let’s be clear: this isn't about one person trying to be "dominant." It’s usually a mutual, often subconscious, scramble to feel safe, respected, and heard. When you find yourself in a power struggle, it’s a giant, flashing neon sign that both of your core needs are going unmet.

And the research backs this up. Conflicts rooted in power dynamics are a huge deal. Studies consistently show that couples who get stuck in controlling patterns early on are far more likely to split up later. It’s a critical issue that can make or break a partnership. Discover more insights about these relationship dynamics .

Why These Fights Feel So Damn Personal

Picture you and your partner trying to walk across a rickety rope bridge together. When one of you feels the bridge wobble, your gut reaction is to grab onto something solid to regain your footing. In this case, that "something solid" is your partner.

So, you might pull them closer, demand they shift their weight, or insist they stop moving so you can feel more secure. From the outside, it looks like you're trying to control them. But from your perspective? You're just trying not to plummet into the canyon below.

Of course, your partner feels the same instability, so they start pulling back in their own way. Now you're both yanking on each other, not to be malicious, but simply to find your own sense of stability. The very things you're doing to feel safe are what's making the whole relationship feel like it’s about to collapse.

A power struggle is rarely about what you think you're fighting about. It’s about what that thing represents: feeling respected, valued, secure, and the deep-seated fear of being ignored or made to feel powerless.

This is exactly why it hurts so much. The argument isn't really about who forgot to take out the trash; it's about feeling like you're carrying the entire mental load alone. The fight isn't really about that big purchase; it's about feeling like your voice is ignored in major decisions that affect both of you.

How to Drop the Rope and Start Talking

Here’s the good news: just realizing you're in a tug-of-war is the first, most crucial step toward dropping the rope. This guide isn't about teaching you how to "win." It’s about giving you a completely new playbook.

Together, we’ll dig into:

• The real reasons we instinctively fight for control.

• How your deepest needs are secretly fueling the conflict.

• Practical, Enneagram-based strategies to get back on solid ground.

By learning to see this dynamic not as a battle against each other but as a problem you can solve together , you can transform that exhausting power struggle into a path toward a stronger, more balanced, and truly connected relationship.

Spotting the Sneaky Signs of a Power Struggle

A full-blown power struggle in a relationship almost never kicks off with a dramatic, table-flipping confrontation you'd see in a movie. Nope. It's much sneakier than that.

It tiptoes in, disguised as everyday friction. It’s that slow-burn resentment you can't quite name, that nagging feeling you’re always on the defensive, or the slow dawning realization that you and your partner are playing for opposing teams.

Learning to spot these subtle signs is like noticing the sky turning a funny color before a big storm. It gives you a chance to huddle up together and find shelter instead of getting caught in a downpour. Let’s look past the loud shouting matches and get real about the quieter tactics that signal a deep-seated fight for control.

Communication Traps and Control Tactics

One of the first places a power struggle sets up camp is in your conversations. When talking stops being about connecting and starts being about winning , you’ve got a problem. The goal suddenly shifts from "let's figure this out together" to "I need to prove I'm right," and the tactics used can be incredibly subtle and corrosive.

Watch out for these classic communication red flags:

• Weaponized Incompetence: • This is the infamous, "Oh, honey, I'd • love • to help with the laundry, but I just don't get this new machine... you're so much better at it anyway." It’s a passive-aggressive masterclass in forcing your partner to shoulder more responsibility by playing dumb.

• Keeping Score: • A partnership isn't a video game with a leaderboard. If one of you is constantly bringing up past mistakes or tallying contributions ("Well, I cooked three times this week, and you only took the trash out once"), you’re not a team. You’re opponents in a silent, resentment-fueled competition.

• The Silent Treatment: • Make no mistake, silence is a weapon. When a partner shuts down, refuses to talk, and withdraws all affection, they're using emotional distance to punish the other person. It's a power play designed to seize control and force the other to beg for a resolution.

These aren't just quirky bad habits; they are strategic maneuvers meant to tip the scales of power. They poison the well, turning loving partners into bitter adversaries.

Power Struggle Red Flags: From Benign to Alarming

Recognizing where you are on the spectrum of conflict can be eye-opening. What starts as a minor annoyance can escalate into a serious threat to the relationship's health if left unchecked. This table breaks down the signs by severity to help you gauge what's really going on.

Suppose you see your relationship in the "Concerning" or "Alarming" columns. In that case, it's a clear signal that the dynamic has become unhealthy and needs to be addressed, potentially with the help of a professional.

Decision-Making Deadlocks

Another huge flashing sign of a power struggle? When making decisions together feels like negotiating a peace treaty. Every single choice, from what to have for dinner to where to go for the holidays, becomes a battleground. This constant deadlock is a dead giveaway of who holds the power—or who is desperately trying to grab it.

Power struggles often manifest as a relentless cycle of "constructive criticism" that feels more like a personal attack, or circular arguments that go nowhere because the goal isn't to solve the problem, but to avoid feeling powerless.

Picture this: Alex is laser-focused on saving for a house, while Jamie dreams of taking a big trip abroad. Instead of finding a middle ground, every conversation spirals. Alex accuses Jamie of being reckless with money; Jamie accuses Alex of being a boring control freak.

The fight isn't really about the money or the trip. It's about whose life vision gets to win. This usually leads to one of two toxic outcomes:

Figuring out these patterns is the essential first step toward breaking them. It’s also incredibly helpful to see how your own personality wiring contributes to these dynamics. For a seriously insightful look at this, learning more about the Enneagram types and relationships can offer stunning clarity on why you and your partner clash the way you do. By recognizing these hidden signs, you can finally stop playing the game and start building a real partnership.

Uncovering the Real Reasons We Fight for Control

Ever wondered how a simple question like, "What's for dinner?" can escalate into a week-long cold war? It’s because it’s never, ever actually about the pasta.

A power struggle in a relationship is just the tip of the iceberg. Beneath the surface-level squabbles over money, chores, or weekend plans, there’s a much deeper, more primal battle raging. These fights are fueled by the most fundamental human needs we all share: the need to feel safe, the need to feel seen, and the need to feel like we matter.

Your Personal Control Blueprint

Here's a way to think about it: each of us has a unique "control blueprint." It’s an internal map that quietly dictates how much control we need to feel secure in the world and in our relationships. This blueprint isn't just random—it's been meticulously drafted by our life experiences.

So, what shapes your personal blueprint? It’s a powerful cocktail of factors:

• Your Upbringing: • Did you grow up in a chaotic home where a parent's unpredictable moods kept you on high alert? Or maybe you had to fight just to have your voice heard? That shapes you.

• Past Relationship Trauma: • If you've been burned before by an unfaithful or overly controlling partner, you might walk into new relationships gripping the reins a little too tightly, all in a subconscious effort to avoid getting hurt again.

• Societal Pressures: • Let's be real, we're all bombarded with images of the "perfect" relationship. These unspoken expectations can create a minefield of potential conflicts.

Getting a handle on these influences is your first step toward real compassion. When you see your partner digging in their heels, you can start to see it less as a personal attack and more as a desperate scramble to meet a deep need or soothe an old wound. That shift in perspective changes everything.

Instead of seeing a controlling person, you begin to see someone who is terrified of being abandoned, overlooked, or made to feel powerless. It’s a game-changing realization that turns adversaries into allies.

When Core Needs Collide: Security vs. Significance

A lot of the time, power struggles erupt when our core needs are in direct opposition to our partner’s.

Picture this: one partner's blueprint is wired for Security . They find comfort in saving money, sticking to a routine, and making predictable, safe choices. For them, life is about building a fortress of stability.

Now, imagine their partner’s blueprint is wired for Significance and Connection . They crave spontaneity, new adventures, and grand gestures that make them feel truly alive and valued. They aren't trying to be reckless; they're trying to build a life that feels meaningful.

When these two blueprints clash, it's not a character flaw—it's a collision of needs.

Historical and cultural norms add yet another layer of complexity. For decades, traditional gender roles clearly defined power structures in relationships. As those roles have evolved, new tensions have bubbled up. In fact, studies show that even in modern partnerships, around 40% of couples engage in subtle control tactics that stem from insecurities about these changing dynamics.

From Blueprint to Breakthrough

Recognizing your partner's control blueprint—and your own—is the key that unlocks the stalemate. To dig deeper into how certain personality types can amplify this desire for control, it can be eye-opening to explore the challenges of co-parenting with a narcissistic parent , a scenario where these dynamics are often pushed to the extreme.

When you understand what’s really driving your partner, you can stop fighting about dinner and start addressing the real issue. This is where the Enneagram becomes an incredible tool, offering profound insights into what makes each personality type feel secure or threatened.

By exploring “ Enneagram Type Compatibility: Understanding All Nine Types ” , you can get a much clearer picture of your shared dynamics. This knowledge is your foundation for moving from a power struggle to a powerful partnership.

Using the Enneagram to Map Your Conflict Style

So, how do you even begin to untangle the messy, tangled-up web of needs and fears that fuel a power struggle in a relationship ? You need a map. And not just any old map—you need a personalized guide to the inner landscapes of both you and your partner.

This is exactly where the Enneagram comes in. Think of it less as a rigid personality test and more as a dynamic tool for decoding what’s really going on when you fight.

The Enneagram doesn’t just stick a label on you. Instead, it illuminates the box you unconsciously retreat into when you feel stressed, threatened, or like you’re losing ground. It gets right to the heart of the matter, revealing the core fears and deep-seated motivations that trigger your go-to "power plays"—those subconscious tricks you pull to feel in control again.

When you start to see these patterns, it’s like someone hands you a secret translator for a language your partner has been speaking all along. All of a sudden, behaviors that used to seem totally baffling or deliberately infuriating start to make a weird kind of sense. You can finally see the why behind the what . That, right there, is the first step toward real, lasting change.

Enneagram Types Under Stress: Their Go-To Power Moves

When the pressure is on, each of the nine Enneagram types has a unique way of trying to wrestle back control, all driven by a specific, deep-seated fear. Recognizing your own—and your partner’s—is a game-changer. Let's take a look at how these moves play out in the heat of the moment.

Seeing it laid out like this makes it clear, doesn't it? These aren't just random, annoying habits. They are deeply ingrained survival strategies. Once you can name them, you can start to defuse them.

Different Instincts, Different Plays

It's also helpful to realize that these moves come from different instinctive places. Some types are more assertive, some are more withdrawn, and others are a maddening mix of both.

The Type 8 (The Challenger) , for instance, operates from a place of pure instinct. Their power play is Direct Domination . Terrified of being controlled or hurt, they take charge through sheer force of will and intensity. For them, a strong offense is always the best defense.

On the other end of the spectrum is the Type 5 (The Investigator) , whose power play is Intellectual Withdrawal . Their greatest fear is being overwhelmed or feeling incompetent, so they hoard their personal resources—time, energy, and knowledge. They pull away and retreat into their own minds, leaving their partner feeling locked out and helpless.

Then you have the Type 9 (The Peacemaker) . Their power play is a subtle one: Passive Resistance . Their deepest fear is disconnection and loss, so they avoid direct conflict like the plague. Instead, they appear to go along with their partner’s plans but exert control by quietly digging in their heels through procrastination or "forgetfulness." It's an infuriatingly effective way to win without ever having a fight.

As you can see, the path out of these struggles isn't about winning the fight. It's about changing the rules of engagement. With an 85% success rate, Active Listening is far and away the most powerful tool you have. It all comes down to truly hearing your partner's side before you ever try to solve a thing.

A quick but crucial warning: this knowledge isn't a weapon. It’s not for you to say, "You're just doing that because you're a Type 2!" Instead, think of it as a lens of compassion.

The Enneagram gives you a shared, non-judgmental language to talk about your dynamic and finally understand the unconscious fears driving you both apart. When you can map these patterns, you can stop reacting to the surface-level behavior and start healing the real issue underneath.

Time to Drop the Rope: Real Strategies to Get Your Partnership Back on Track

Knowing you’re in a tug-of-war is one thing. Actually, learning to drop the rope is something else entirely. It’s the leap from knowing there’s a problem to doing something about it that changes everything. Think of this section as your toolkit for dismantling the power struggle in a relationship , filled with stuff you can actually start using today.

These aren't about finding some magical, overnight fix. It's about fundamentally changing the rules of the game. Instead of yanking on opposite ends of the rope, you’ll learn how to stand side-by-side and face whatever comes your way as a true team.

From Pointing Fingers to Owning Your Part

When a fight erupts, what’s our first instinct? To zero in on exactly what our partner did wrong. It’s so easy to play the blame game, but here's the thing: nobody ever wins.

Let’s try a totally different approach. Ask yourself this radical question: "What is my 10% of this problem?"

Seriously. No matter how right you feel, you always contribute something to the mess—even if it's just your reaction. Maybe your 10% was that sarcastic tone you used. Or maybe you shut down completely. Perhaps you brought up that one mistake from three years ago. Owning that tiny slice of the pie is an incredibly powerful way to hit the brakes on a fight.

It sends a clear signal to your partner: "I'm not here to attack you; I'm here to fix this with you." When you both start looking for your 10%, the courtroom drama fizzles out, and you can actually start solving the problem together.

Who's the CEO of What? Defining Your Domains

So many power struggles boil down to unspoken (and often wrong) assumptions about who’s in charge of what. One person might feel like they're the default manager for the entire household, while the other feels constantly micromanaged. The fix? You have to sit down and consciously divide and conquer, playing to each other's strengths and interests instead of just grabbing for control.

Think of your relationship like a business you co-manage. You wouldn't have two CEOs trying to do the exact same job, right? It would be chaos. You'd have a CEO of Finance and a CEO of Operations. Do the same thing at home:

• Who’s the "CEO of Social Planning?" • This person gets to take the lead on organizing parties, double dates, and keeping the social calendar from exploding.

• Who’s the "CEO of Home Maintenance?" • This partner owns the leaky faucet, calls the repairman, and keeps the house from falling apart.

• Who’s the "CEO of Vacation Logistics?" • They’re the master of finding deals, booking flights, and planning the ultimate getaway itinerary.

This isn’t about locking yourselves into rigid, old-fashioned roles. It's just about creating clarity and a sense of ownership. When each partner feels respected and capable in their own domain, the urge to control what the other person is doing fades away.

By intentionally defining these roles, you replace a chaotic power grab with a structured, respectful partnership. It’s a proactive strategy that preempts countless future arguments.

Talk Their Language: Enneagram-Smart Communication

What's the point of knowing your Enneagram types if you don't use that knowledge to talk to each other better? Here’s a peek at how you can tweak your communication to stop accidentally stepping on your partner's core fears.

Let's imagine a Type 8 needs to talk about an issue with their Type 4 partner.

• The Destructive Way (The 8's default): • "We need to talk. You're being way too sensitive about this, and it doesn’t make any sense. Here's what we're going to do." Yikes. That blunt-force approach will feel like a full-blown personal attack to the Type 4, who will probably retreat into a storm of emotion or shut down completely.

• The Constructive Way: • "I have something on my mind that feels really important to our connection. I value how deeply you feel things, and I want to make sure I understand your perspective as we figure this out together." This language honors the Type 4's need to feel seen and emotionally connected, inviting them to collaborate instead of forcing them to comply.

This kind of tailored communication is a game-changer. For a deeper dive, be sure to check out our complete guide on how to resolve relationship conflict , which is packed with more Enneagram-specific advice.

Beyond just how you talk, money is a classic battlefield for power struggles. Figuring out an approach for effective money management for couples can do wonders for creating harmony and rebalancing the scales. In fact, research shows financial control is a top source of conflict, with a whopping 64% of couples naming money as a primary source of fights. But get this—couples who create clear, transparent financial roles experience 35% fewer power-related disputes.

By putting these strategies into practice, you can finally stop the tug-of-war. You can start building a partnership based on real respect, clear communication, and a shared passion for seeing each other win.

Got Questions? Let's Talk.

Even with a solid plan, stepping out of a power struggle can feel a bit wobbly. It's totally normal for a few "what ifs" and "how do we..." questions to pop up. Let's tackle some of the most common ones that come up when couples decide to finally drop the rope.

Think of this as your personal cheat sheet for those lingering uncertainties, giving you clear, no-fluff answers to help you move forward together.

Is a Power Struggle a Sign We Should Break Up?

Absolutely not. Let me reframe this for you: pretty much every long-term relationship will hit a power struggle phase. It's almost a rite of passage. It's not a sign you're doomed, but it is a blaring alarm bell that your current way of operating isn't cutting it anymore.

A power struggle in a relationship only becomes a real threat if one or both of you refuse to see it or do the work. The moment you both can look at it as a problem you solve together —instead of a battle one of you has to win—you're already turning the ship around. Seriously, this is your chance to get to the heart of each other's deepest needs and fears, and that can make your bond stronger than ever.

What If My Partner Won't Learn Their Enneagram Type?

That's okay! It's not a deal-breaker, I promise. You don't need your partner to take a test, read a book, or even know how to spell "Enneagram" for things to start shifting. The real power of this tool kicks in with self-awareness .

When you understand your own Enneagram type—your motivations, your fears, your go-to moves when you're stressed—you can completely change how you show up in the conflict. Once you stop pulling your end of the rope, the whole tug-of-war has to change. It just does.

You can’t control your partner, but you always, always have a choice in how you respond. When you change your side of the dance—maybe by choosing curiosity over defensiveness—you create an opening for a whole new, healthier rhythm to begin.

Start by just observing your partner with a little more compassion. Ask yourself, "What fear might be under all that frustration? Are they feeling insecure, ignored, or trapped?" Sometimes, just that internal shift in your own perspective is enough to defuse the whole situation.

Can We Have a Healthy Relationship with Different Views on Power?

Yes, a million times yes! A great relationship isn't built on agreeing on every little thing. It's built on a bedrock of mutual respect, honest negotiation, and finding a balance that feels right for the two of you.

The goal isn't some mythical, perfect 50/50 split on every single task and decision. Life doesn't work that way. The real goal is a shared sense of fairness and equity. Maybe one of you is the master of the finances, while the other is the brilliant social planner. That works beautifully, as long as those roles came from a real conversation and mutual agreement—not from assumptions or one person steamrolling the other.

Here’s the real litmus test:

• Do both of you feel heard?

• Do both of you feel valued?

• Does the overall dynamic feel fair to both of you?

If you can nail those three things, you can build an incredibly resilient partnership that honors who you both are. A power struggle doesn't end when one person wins; it ends when both people feel empowered.

Ready to figure out your unique conflict style and build a relationship with way more connection? Take the free, in-depth Enneagram assessment over at Enneagram Universe and get the tools you need to completely change your dynamic. Find your type today at Enneagram Universe .